How do people live with their parents? \ stacker news ~alter

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1026 sats \ 76 comments \ @Undisciplined 19 Dec alter_native

After being on vacation with my parents, I have to wonder how people live like that.

My parents are both great people and even better grandparents, but so much uninterrupted time together becomes immensely tedious. Maybe, over even more time together, you develop habits and patterns that smooth off some of the edges.

We've been thinking about moving and part of that calculation is whether we should be preparing for the inevitability of having one of my parents move in with us, when that time comes.

Hopefully, that day is far off in the future because 1. I love them and want them around for a long time, 2. I want my daughter to have a great relationship with them for a long time, and 3. I'd be annoyed out of my mind if I had to live with one of them.

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146 sats \ 6 replies \ @grayruby 19 Dec

You should ask Indian stackers. It is very common in the Indian culture.

7 minutes drive away is perfect in my opinion. Haha

126 sats \ 2 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

We lived about 15 minutes walk from my parents. My kids walked over to see the Grandparents about once a week, while they lived there.

20 sats \ 1 reply \ @grayruby 20 Dec

That’s awesome.

70 sats \ 0 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

Yes, they learned to play a lot of adult type card games from her, too.

40 sats \ 0 replies \ @BitcoinPilgrim 20 Dec

Or a ten to fifteen minute walk. Recreation is a refreshing break from any tension.

50 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 19 Dec

7 minutes drive away is perfect in my opinion. Haha

Agreed!

20 sats \ 0 replies \ @zuspotirko 20 Dec

Or Italians haha

51 sats \ 2 replies \ @IamSINGLE 20 Dec

I'm my Papa's daughter and not gonna go leave him anywhere. I also have my dadi and daddu (granny and granpA), Uncles, Aunts, cousins, a family of 17 people living together. Isn't it great to have everyone celebrate the joys and sorrows together? I always wonder how boring life is in the west, in USA?

You say you don't like the interruption by your parents but you also say...

I love them and want them around for a long time, 2. I want my daughter to have a great relationship with them for a long time, and 3. I'd be annoyed out of my mind if I had to live with one of them.

Which means you miss the joys of being together for longer times.

1 sat \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Once a week for the indefinite future is great. All day every day is too much.

It probably is more boring our way, but most Americans are too selfish and uncooperative to live together. You can't have four uncompromising adults living in one house, without a ton of stress.

71 sats \ 0 replies \ @IamSINGLE 20 Dec

We have a mukhiya (headman) in our house and everybody respects his decision and is kind of afraid to go against him. There's a system. My granny takes care of women. Whenever there's some stress, it clears out on festivals, and we've many. There's some kind of hirerichy here. Younger men and women respect their elders way too much and in return the elders support and love them. That's how it works.

30 sats \ 1 reply \ @Natalia 20 Dec

One of the solutions I've learned is you could live in the same land/ building with them, so you are kind of living together but not really together, easy to reach but still maintain space.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I think that's plausible, if we can find the right setting.

47 sats \ 3 replies \ @ogi099 20 Dec

Idk man, really if you are living on your own for some time, then visiting parents feels like not enough space and privacy - it might be a part of just being adult!

0 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I think it’s more part of being a western adult.

33 sats \ 1 reply \ @ogi099 20 Dec

Probably right guess! So you tell me it's not a thing for adults to move out in some parts of this world?

Now you made me thinking why you guessed it so fine, why exactly its happening here - it's more because of young people worldview, or parents not parenting right on a mass scale?(definitely a thing.)

Or maybe more because of 'relatively good' economics, where i mean if you have any job (plus manage your life reasonably) you can move out easily?

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

There are many open questions about how our culture got where it is.

62 sats \ 5 replies \ @OT 20 Dec

I think some of the European cultures have it mastered. They build these 3 story houses and each generation takes a level.

30 sats \ 1 reply \ @zuspotirko 20 Dec

Everybody I know who does this hates it haha. Maybe if you're 40 and your parents really need daily assistance.

30 sats \ 0 replies \ @OT 20 Dec

True

A lot of migrants in Australia built their house like this but the kids usually end up moving out anyway. Maybe more are staying home now as its expensive to rent or buy a place of your own.

0 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

As long as people stay on their level, right?

21 sats \ 1 reply \ @OT 20 Dec

Yeah, you can always retreat to your level. Drop the kids off with the grandparents when you want to go out somewhere.

Sounds good to me. Unlikely for it to happen though

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I do think something like that is what was missing on our trip. My wife really needs her own space, where my mom won't go and pester her.

We lived with my parents a few times when we were between places, earlier in our marriage. Their house had basically an attached guest quarter (not as fancy as that might sound). That worked fine, partially because we were younger, partially because we didn't have a kid yet, and partially because we could retreat.

46 sats \ 2 replies \ @PictureRoom 20 Dec

It’s tough, no doubt about it.

But family is family, and in so many cultures, living together for long periods is just the norm. My partner’s family, for example, often has 8-10 people under one roof at any given time. It can get wild, but it works for them.

I think here in the U.S., there’s this particular mindset—almost like a dogma—that living with family as an adult is somehow a bad thing. It’s interesting to reflect on that because it’s not universal, and I can definitely resonate with what you’re saying.

40 sats \ 0 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

We have kids still living with us and it is no problem. In Japan, for instance, kids stay at home, many times, until marriage. And then the oldest son stays with the parents with his wife and kids and inherits the house. If there is no son, the oldest daughter has the duty of finding a husband to adopt into the family to come live with the parents. Life goes on.

10 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I wish we still had this. Clearly it's something lost, but I also would hate living with my parents.

37 sats \ 3 replies \ @WeAreAllSatoshi 20 Dec

Maybe it would be more doable if I never left home, but since I have, the thought of living with my parents is absolutely horrifying. They’re fine, I love them, but no thank you.

26 sats \ 1 reply \ @SpaceHodler 20 Dec

Same here. I moved to a different country, over 800 miles away.

I'd then visit them once a year or two and the first day would be nice, but past that there would already be too much tension and I'd have had enough.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I can relate to that.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

It's really hard, once you've gotten use to managing your own household.

It probably does work much more smoothly if it's just the husband or wife moving in with their in-laws. All the roles and routines are already worked out.

41 sats \ 3 replies \ @cryotosensei 20 Dec

I have been living with my parents-in-law for about 3 weeks, coming to 4. But my situation is different from yours because right now they are in good health and I much welcome the extra pairs of hands to help take care of two very energy-sapping children. My wife doesn’t have to bear so much weight in regard to cooking and laundry - and as long-suffering husbands everywhere know, when the wife’s mood improves, the general climate of the entire household is uplifted haha.

Which is why I forwarded you some happy sats from my recent food post haha.

I suggest that you write down all the things about them that annoy the hell out of you. I suspect that when you actually put it down on black and white, you will come to regard them as minor irritants (rather than major fault-causing lines). They will also occupy less power in your mind.

24 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Ha! I started this post this morning and abandoned it, because it was turning into a thorough description of why the things they do are so rightfully irritating.

You're probably right that the key is the wife's mood. My mom drives my wife nuts.

41 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei 20 Dec

Ah! Relationship management between the wife and the mum is a fragile tightrope to manage. I have no easy answers.

In Chinese, we have a saying 相见好同住难. (Xiang Jian Hao tong zhu nan)

Meaning: "It's easy to get along when meeting, but hard to live together."

So even though I’m Asian, we recognise the difficulty of living together with our extended family members. Hope you feel less alone in this struggle

36 sats \ 0 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

My son’s wife drove my wife nuts when she was here. Things didn’t go very well.

55 sats \ 2 replies \ @south_korea_ln 20 Dec

It's pretty common in Korea to have your parents move over into the same building when grandkids join the equation. Even though an extra pair of hands would sometimes come in handy, I think both my wife and I appreciate more the fact of not having them around all the time, even though we love them.

And I second @cryotosensei that most of it is linked to my wife's mood and by how much she tolerates having my parents around. This can vary from day to day~~

I like 相见好同住难, it's an easy one to remember: "meet good live together difficult"

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @cryotosensei 20 Dec

I’m glad to introduce you to something easy xP

But what about the housing crunch? Is it always easy to find vacancies in the same apartment building?

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Same building, different apartments seems ok. We aren’t planning on living in an apartment building though.

57 sats \ 6 replies \ @freetx 20 Dec

As someone in his 50s who has gone thru the death of both his parents, I would strongly recommend getting your parents close to you. Perhaps you don't need to have them move in, but yeah they need to be close enough so you can check in on them several times per day without making a "special trip"

Being more than lets say 1hr away will immensely add to your daily pressures. Emergencies (your mom or dad falling and being left alone or them getting stuck in a chair that they can't get themselves out of) happens at random times....its not going to coincide with your work/life schedule, and it will cause a big upheaval with each little disaster that happens.

I would say the annoyance level of your parents goes down the older they get....in many ways we revert to a more childlike state as we age. You will probably come to view your parents much the same way as you view your kids....the annoyance will not be the sort of "post adolescent" variety that we normally associate with dealing with parents.

60 sats \ 0 replies \ @Bell_curve 20 Dec

1 hour away is a good rule of thumb

My aunt and her daughter (or my cousin) have a similar arrangement in San Diego. My aunt lives in a senior citizen apartment building.

33 sats \ 0 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

I have to agree that being close to your parents is a very good thing. I lived at a 16 hour flight away from my parents when my father had an “episode” that put him on a ventilator in a coma for 6 months. I came back once when he went into the coma and once more when a decision had to be made about removing him from the ventilator. Fortunately, he survived being removed from the machine and woke up about 2 weeks after that. Being close is a very, very good thing!

42 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I've wondered about that, too. I think some of the annoyance comes from having too many independent adults sharing the same space. The roles aren't delineated very well.

My parents do live close to us and my in-laws live close to my wife's sister. We like having them nearby. It's just actual cohabitation that seems challenging.

I'm sorry you've already lost your parents. One of the things I'm most grateful for is that my daughter has a great relationship with my parents and I hope that can continue for as long as possible.

28 sats \ 2 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

I think that the key to the matter is how finely delineated the roles in the house are for each person. The Grandmother taking care of the kids removes a whole lot of burden from the mother.

30 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Things do run most smoothly when my mom is occupied with the kid.

31 sats \ 0 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

So, you wife can handle other things while you mother is watching the kiddos, right? In my wife’s family, her mother worked, her father worked the Grandfather worked outside the house and the Grandmother did all the household work and watched the kids. A typical sort of family.

46 sats \ 7 replies \ @Imyourfed 19 Dec

Yes it is tough. Even if you love them, spending too much time together is exhausting. You fall into routines that feel cramped and annoying, but over time you find a way to make it work. The hope is always that it’s short-term and still cherishing the moments and keeping the peace.

28 sats \ 2 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

Another point is that your parents still think of you as the child, no matter how old you are. They also treat you as their child. Can you put up with that as an independent adult? That is usually the sticking point in these realationships.

20 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Exactly. That manifests in them "being in the way" trying to do things for us that we're also trying to do for ourselves.

42 sats \ 0 replies \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

Yes, that is irritating. That is one reason why I spent a lot of time away from “home” while I was staying with her. The one good thing about it was I could set up here IT stuff and make it work for her when she didn’t have a clue.

21 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 19 Dec

You fall into routines that feel cramped and annoying

That's exactly it.

49 sats \ 2 replies \ @Imyourfed 19 Dec

Sadly, I have no clue how to balance this. It feels like there's nothing can be done.

30 sats \ 1 reply \ @Rothbardian_fanatic 20 Dec

You could try to ignore it or make sure you are busy with something else all the time. This happened to me when I had to live with my mother while attending college for two whole years. I learned to keep busy with the books when I was there and try to ignore the grating parts.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @Imyourfed 20 Dec

Thanks

36 sats \ 4 replies \ @DesertDave 19 Dec

I can't even begin to imagine that, at this point. I had my mom living with me some years ago and now everything has changed. I don't think I could do it again. I suppose maybe people generally have a better relationship with their parents than I do.

0 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 19 Dec

That's what I'm wondering. It's not that I don't like them. We just run out of new things to talk about and they're fairly set in their ways, which generates a lot of minor conflicts when we need to do something that runs counter to their plans.

Also, my wife and I are very open with each other, but many conversations we have aren't conversations we'd be interested in involving my parents in (not for any risque reasons, just because they wouldn't be interested).

39 sats \ 2 replies \ @DesertDave 19 Dec

If it were to happen perhaps it can be set up where you both have a good amount of space. Like a guest house or something. So you can primarily live your own lives and just be close.

11 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 19 Dec

One house we looked at in Florida had a small pool house that would have been ideal for that.

If we don't move, our basement could pretty easily be renovated into an apartment. The problem is that there's no way my mom would stay put. She constantly hovers around everyone.

29 sats \ 0 replies \ @DesertDave 19 Dec

Yeah. I can see that. It might be hard to keep the boundaries if you are so available.

32 sats \ 2 replies \ @Blank 20 Dec

We had my partners mother move in with us right at the beginning of the 2019 COVID lockdowns. She was living by herself in another country, looking at not having a retirement because didn't have enough savings to live on the pension alone. We were about to have our first baby, and we really needed the support. So, I figured it would be a good idea to invite her to live with us, as it would be mutually beneficial to have help with our daughter, and so she can at least semi retire if she wanted to.

I gotta admit, even though things are better now. The first year or two were incredibly hard for everyone. Especially for my partner who was often in the middle of whatever disagreement I was having with her mother.

Fast forward nearly four years, and we can't imagine not having her around.

0 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I'm glad to hear it smoothed out.

We have close friends who moved in with the husband's dad. The idea was that they would do that for a couple of years while they built their family home. It was such a strain on their marriage that it only lasted a few months and they're now getting divorced.

I can appreciate your partner's struggle. My mom has some habits that drive my wife nuts and I'm often trying to prevent problems from happening.

Btw, our daughters are about the same age.

24 sats \ 0 replies \ @Blank 20 Dec

I'm sorry to hear your friends are now getting a divorce. I've honestly thought of leaving from time to time, but that usually means I just need some me time or time with my friends. Things have gotten steadily better as covid restrictions lifted and she got settled in her new life here in our country.

I think we got quite lucky with my mother in law, she doesn't really have any bad habits and has learnt to step back when it comes to how we raise our daughter. She's also a good source of advice or support when I need it too.

30 sats \ 2 replies \ @realBitcoinDog 20 Dec

How do people live with their in-laws?

10 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Friends of ours are currently getting divorced after having lived with in-laws for several months.

We stayed with my wife's parents for a couple months after grad school. By the end, I was just hiding in our room playing Civ on the floor.

21 sats \ 0 replies \ @realBitcoinDog 20 Dec

A wise choice

43 sats \ 6 replies \ @Coinsreporter 19 Dec

0 sats \ 5 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 19 Dec

Seems like a worthwhile tradeoff to me.

43 sats \ 4 replies \ @Coinsreporter 19 Dec

It's not a tradeoff, it's a blessing to be with our parents all the time. I also live with my parents and I've never felt "immensely tedious" rather I enjoy being with them. I don't think I'm alone who wants them in the same house, not 7 or 1 minute drive. It's a culture and something that I don't want to lose among our traditions.

20 sats \ 3 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 19 Dec

It's hard to imagine. Don't you already know everything they're going to say?

Do they still offer fresh insights that you find valuable?

The things my parents want to talk about aren't things I want to hear about (and probably vice versa).

Is it something else entirely? I know you have an infant and I remember being grateful to have family around for that.

23 sats \ 2 replies \ @Coinsreporter 20 Dec

Don't you already know everything they're going to say?

Certainly not. Maybe it's because they've also changed equally because we've never been away from them. Or, maybe we've become like them for the same reason.

I've been away from my parents for almost 15 years but again wherever I lived there were always elders in the same household. So, it's not the way I can even think of.

I think it's stronger emotional connect due to our traditions and morals being taught from childhood that we're the ones who need to take care of our parents once they're old.

All in all, I'd say it's just a cultural difference. It's not that you don't love your parents as much as I do.

20 sats \ 1 reply \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I see this as a major loss for our culture. At the same time, I'm a product of it.

There's such an emphasis on being independent that it's very hard for four American adults to share a space.

37 sats \ 0 replies \ @Coinsreporter 20 Dec

I agree it's a loss. It's also happening in big cities in India where people are more inclined towards western culture.

I've never felt, even after my marriage, that my parents are being hurdle in my independence. I'm totally opposite of it and think that my post marriage life could be boring if my parents weren't with me. I say this because women here in India still aren't as independent as in western world. When I'm out of town I need not worry about my wife and noe my daughter because of them.

34 sats \ 3 replies \ @siggy47 20 Dec

My parents told my sister and I that they would never live with either of us, under any circumstances, and they didn't. When I was a kid my parents took their parents into our home. They wanted to spare us. The irony is I have fond memories of my grandmother moving in with us when my grandfather died. She did drive my mother crazy, though.

43 sats \ 2 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

I appreciate that perspective. My mom and daughter are very close. Maybe that would be worth all the irritation my wife and I would incur.

23 sats \ 1 reply \ @siggy47 20 Dec

My grandmother would crack us up when my mother would cook for her and ask whether she liked it. She would say "yes, it's very good." The she'd make a face of disgust to us.

One time, in her 80s, we came home to find her standing on the dining room table cleaning the light fixture. My mother started screaming that she would hurt herself. My grandmother of course said she wouldn't have to do that if my mother would clean it once in a while.

43 sats \ 0 replies \ @Undisciplined OP 20 Dec

Ha! I can easily imagine my mom standing on a table to dust something. She's constantly standing on precarious things to reach stuff, because she's so short.

My dad keeps reminding her that she can't do things like that, because she's old now, which she does not appreciate.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @helicka1603 20 Dec

My bf is 38 and still living with parents. He is never home and doesn't pay rent.. I call it excuses

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @godlikeXi 20 Dec

Moving back with the folks is hard decision. It feels like failing. But it’s not.

Some people don’t have parents. Or their parents can’t help them because the parents are in dire straits. Maybe they can’t retire due to bad financial decisions. It happens. And some people can’t recover. They are where they are.

Having stable parents (well off parents) that you have an honest flow of information with that have resources is a good thing. You have a stable home base to lean on if things go sideways. It’s a castle of stability. That’s fucking awesome.

Having that option should not be frowned upon. Parents love their kids.

If you have to move back in you need to help the, in any way you can. Take out the trash without prompting, clean the kitchen, mow the lawn, walk the dog, manage the kitty litter… help out. Don’t be a burden or a lump. Help them. They will help you. Get back on your feet: save money, pay down debts and move out.

0 sats \ 0 replies \ @BeeAye 20 Dec

i simply agree with every word you said. that is all.