I hate parenting to the core.
I have two kids: a 4-year-old boy and an 11-month-old girl. I have wanted to be a father. So, don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. But the whole business of parenting is so intense and exasperating and exhausting that I literally sigh my deepest before I open the door to my house these days.
I embraced the birth of my first child. I remember sharing with my friends that I thought parenting ennobles my job because my salary would be used to raise another human being. There’s an added layer of purpose to my job.
But I soon came to dislike parenting with a vengeance. Obviously, I knew that my life would undergo several drastic changes, but I just wasn’t prepared for the way it would consume my days and nights and suck my time, energy and efforts.
I think the problem lies in that my wife and I have no support. My mother has passed on; I can’t possibly rely on my 80-year-old father to take care of his grandkids; and my parents-in-law are based overseas. So we have to undergo the daily grind alone. Every day.
How about a nanny or helper? I hear you ask. I don’t think my wife would entrust her kids in the hands of other people. I don’t want to raise something that is already a foregone conclusion and incur her displeasure.
So why am I so frustrated? I think parenting takes away my need for solitude and companionship without offering me anything in equal measure. All of a sudden, I have to give up my social life. I haven’t met my friends in months. I crave for night-out sessions, in which I can just stay out late to catch up with my friends.
I don’t have to be around people all the time. I’m perfectly fine signing up for seminars and workshops and attending them alone. I miss being exposed to people outside my usual realm of work and expanding my horizons. I hate that I have to rush home every week day after work because I need to pick up my kids from the childcare centre. I hate that I have to spend my weekends taking my boy to the indoor playground so that he can release his pent-up energies. In fact, right now I’m at the indoor playground. All I see around me are equally bored parents passing the time buried in their handphones. Since when did my activity-filled life turn out to be so mundane?
As for solitude, sometimes I feel the need to be alone and decompress and not have to engage with anyone. But parenting doesn’t allow me to do that. I need to feed food to a screaming baby (who wants her natto NOW!) and a talkative toddler who just talks non-stop. I yearn for peace and quiet desperately.
I find that parenting is akin to being trapped in an enclosed cage, where I cannot breathe in fresh air and have to sustain myself on the limited oxygen available. Prior to fatherhood, I had anticipated it to be similar to a terrarium. But nope, I just feel suffocated by the whole experience.
I don’t regret being a father. But every day, I ask myself why I am so unhappy even though I have two beautiful kids. I just want them to grow up quickly so that I can regain some semblance of my previous social life. I don’t like how parenting deprives me of everything else and denies me balance.
My workplace grants me access to a counsellor. Perhaps I should seek his services. Then again, the idea of spending an hour to talk about parenting (as opposed to sipping a nice cup of coffee before I go home) doesn’t quite appeal to me. I guess I will monitor my mental well-being and see how things go.
Thank you for reading my rant. I like that this site provides me a safe space to share my deepest, darkest thoughts.
I would recommend talking to a counselor and some older father's that have life experience you dont yet have. People you trust and admire. Also if you can find other couples taking turns to watch each others kids is great. Your relationship with your spouse needs to be higher priority than your kids. And that is best for your kids. If you two have a healthy relationship that is going to give them greater security.
Also know as a father of two teens these years you are in are tough. In a few years you will have more time and you might miss how much your kids need you. I know I miss those days. Parenting is hard but I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are entering a phase of life where my wife and I will have more time for each other and ourselves. Its bitter sweet. Hang in there.
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Thank you for your honesty. Parenting is the hardest thing in my life. It fucking sucks but it’s what we signed up for😂
  1. Talk to a counselor.
  2. Talk to your wife.
  3. Give your kids a hug.
  4. Get a baby sitter and take an hour or 2 with your wife.
  5. It takes a village
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We are not meant to live in the isolation of modern life where we have fake connection online with other personas. We need real relationships and vulnerability with our communities. Those can be family, friends, and/or church/religious. Great advice.
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my wife noticed my depression 2 years ago and signed me up for an over 35s football team.
This helped the a lot, and meeting local bitcoiners IRL 😂
I haven’t used OrangePill app yet but think that would be a great in person connector ⚡️
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I may sound cheap but I don’t want to pay to use the OrangePill app haha
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or hang out with non-bitcoiners, they're cool people too, lol :)
yep, and then pill the super cool ones - a good opportunity to learn from each other.
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Thank you for acknowledging that parenting fucking sucks. I think I may be able to cope with all this better if people aren’t just about how their kids bring them joy and meaning and what-have-you.
Yes, parenting is something I signed up for. It’s a cage that I willingly walked into 😅
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That’s what my principal said. I am a teacher irl. Somehow she got to find out from my colleagues about my parenting woes and ambushed me with a talk one day haha. She said that I would miss those days when my children treat me as their world.
Your suggestion about talking to older dads is something that hasn’t occurred to me. Thanks, it’s something that I think I can take on at this point of my life
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I'm a teacher too! In China, but still
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You're in a difficult season and it sound like you have little support, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of parents go through the same thing when your kids are so needy. It's hard to deal with, especially after getting used to living on your own.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Around 5, kids start helping you and can take care of themselves more. By their teen years, they'll start learning and doing stuff you can't. The key is recognizing that they're a low time-preference thing, much like Bitcoin. The rewards are later when you're much older and can't really take care of yourself.
I've found that I've had to scale back on a ton of stuff that was just a waste of time. I've cut out watching TV, movies, sports, playing video games, fantasy football, etc. In a sense, you're being put through the fire and there are some priorities that need resetting to account for your kids. I know it was a tough time for me, but it ultimately led to a much better me because I had to really live out my values.
Anyway, a good night's sleep, some planning and some reliable babysitters can get you a long way. As we say in Bitcoin hold on and it'll get better.
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So true! When my son was born, I had to get off social media. Closed twitter for many years, and Facebook forever. It's an imperative to re-adjust our lives to serve the needs of the kids, and that transition can be tricky, especially when you have no family support. But as Jimmy said, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Trust this. Don't give up on parenting, don't judge so harshly based on your current situation. (You're likely sleep deprived and can think clearly 😅) Everything will be fine eventually. All the best!
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That’s true. So sleep deprived these days that I’m functioning on adrenaline. I will prioritise naps more. Thanks, mate
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Could I ask what you mean by a low time-preference thing?
I get what you mean about trimming the fat and enjoy what you said about prevailing through a fire. I had two months of carefree childless life this year and observed that I felt that I wasn’t making good use of time by being around acquaintances who are fun to be with but not necessarily adding value to my life. I shall focus on that so that the piece of my mind it occupied expands. Thanks mate
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Children add much more value later than now. They're what you'd call a long-term investment, because it is hard at the beginning.
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Thanks for getting back to me. I think comparing children with Bitcoin really helped because I want to acquire the Bitcoin Standard one day!
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It's worth acknowledging that what "parenting" means in modern industrialized society is a thing that has never existed before in human history -- that you, and one partner, would be sequestered in your house or apartment, attending to all the issues involved in raising kids largely by yourselves.
Much could be said about this, and it's tied to a lot of sacred cows. But it's weird. The stresses you describe are real stresses. Many people feel them. But they can be really hard to talk about. So hopefully it's been useful posting this and hearing that you're not alone.
The thing that jumps out the most is the isolation you're describing. People aren't meant to live that way. Finding a way to connect with others, and to off-load some parts of the responsibility so you can have a life of your own, too, is vital. In the USA, babysitters are normal. In other cultures, much less so, but family takes up the load.
What are the possibilities for you and your wife to get some of this kind of support?
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I think it would really help if my wife cooks less often (she cooks 6 days out of 7) and orders takeout more so that we can free up time to do stuff that is fun for me (instead of going to the supermarket omg). But food is her love language. Thanks for posting the question though. It reminds me that parenting is a team sport
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One thing I try to be mindful of are the different tradeoffs I'm implicitly making. For instance, there's a bunch of yard and house maintenance I could do, or I could pay someone else to do it. The nature of my job is such that I work a lot of hours, and so, even though paying someone money to do this stuff really bothers me, there's a larger question afoot: is this what I want to spend my life on? Is this the best use of two hours, or whatever?
Often the answer is no. The two hours are worth more to me than whatever it would cost to get someone else to do it. And that's time I can allocate to things that are precious. This is very obvious but it took me decades to figure it out. And, to be fair, the answer changes over time. At 20 it would have made no sense to pay for the stuff I now pay for.
Anyway, point is, this is such a common thing that I figured I'd raise it. If your wife loves cooking, maybe that's great. But maybe going to the store is less great. And while it would be a great indulgence to pay for it, maybe it's actually a good investment, given the other things that you've said. Maybe an hour of time spent doing something that fills your cup is really valuable. Only you can know.
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Or pay my son sats to do some of the household chores I would rather outsource. Thanks, mate, for detailing your thought process and money-time philosophy
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This hits the nail on the head. Western society (esp in the US) has evolved in ways that just don't meet many of our emotional and psychological needs as humans.
I have a three year old daughter, and my wife and I don't live close to any family. I can absolutely relate to OP's isolation. I can't imagine having two kids right now. Fortunately, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Every few months she becomes slightly more independent or at least more capable of understanding and following directions. I've heard 5 is when you start getting some of your life back.
Anyhow, I need to get my kid dressed...
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I am sorry you feel the way you do about parenting your own kids.
Parenting can be hard for some but the thoughts you express are not typical, and suggests to be related to some underlying unresolved issue.
As one parent to another may i suggest scheduling a talk with your partner, your community head/elder, and also a trained counselor, and maybe spend less time on Stacker News, other socials, podcasts and Bitcoin in general and instead focus on your mental state and being present for your kids.
Kids see everything.
God speed.
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Thank you for balancing hard truths with a dose of compassion. I really appreciate it. I won’t stop using Stacker News because I really wanna keep my cowboy hat haha but I will certainly endeavour to use less social media in front of my son
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This might ruffle some feathers but this is a failure of masculinity. Life is hard suck it up get to work. All this complaining that you can’t do this and that is very immature in my opinion. These kids didn’t ask to be here now they they are it is up to you to take care of them.
I know you are using SN to vent but I read this and I think what has happen to men? Couldn’t you have vented to a close friend or the wife cried it out and got back to the grind? Why post it here? Again I don’t mean to be disrespectful or slight your feelings or situation but life overall is a struggle and the twist and turns it takes can really drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally but as I man (which I assume you are) I will hold you to a higher standard to be strong be that bedrock that patriarch that your kids and your great grandchildren can be proud of. The foundation you lay down today will create great benefits not only for you but the human race as a whole.
I wish you well and stay strong!
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Thanks for balancing criticalness with compassion, mate. You delivered some hard-hitting truths I needed to hear - and I agree that I need to get a better handle on my emotions.
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You got this!! Stay strong 💪
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you can't sip coffee while you talk to the counselor?
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This brought a smile to my face! Well I could sip coffee while unloading in front of the counsellor but I kinda want to do so pensively alone somewhere, stealing an hour when I don’t have to be accountable to anyone. You get what I mean?
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you have to make the best of what's around. Sure, it's nice to have an hour off, but can you steal those away on the weekend? talking out your problems is important for your long-term mental health. it's wonderfully useful to have an unbiased third party criticize your priorities and methodologies.
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I hear you. Also raising 2 kids (ages 7 and 10) without extended family to help. You’re in a marathon, not a sprint. 3 things that have worked for me:
  1. Morning and evening routine
  2. Story before bedtime
  3. Babysitter
Getting on daily routine habits will create pockets of time for you and your wife to do your own thing. You can get creative here and feel the difference within a few weeks.
Reading stories to the kids before bed will give you a love-filled contrast to the Screens when your kids are older.
Lastly, finding a babysitter - even just once per month - was a game changer for me. Ask the bored parents at the indoor playground for a referral. Then you can take your wife out on a date - she’s probably burnt-out too :)
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He also never smiles haha
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I amuse myself by thinking about him and Breedlove telling jokes without smiling.
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It would help being organized or sharing Kids time with your wife. I mean at least one empty day a week without children with the help of your wife. The same help could be provided by you. Thus there would be free days for both of you. One more thing: If you had a regular reading habit in your life your mind would be more relaxed than today. Do you read regularly?
Kindly
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I actually read a lot. There isn’t nothing much I can do otherwise, right? But I think what I can do is to write more to get my thoughts out. Specifically about the pleasures of raising kids. Hopefully this will stabilise my temperament a little
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I agree writing would help mental relaxation. What a lovely father you are. I have no memory with my father in a children playground.
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I suggest you find a way to relish the things you get to do to care for and raise them. Maybe start with the idea of "i get to do this" not "I have to do this". Trust me time flies by and those years in the future you are longing for now when your kids are grown up so you can have more of your life back you will be wishing you had a few more moments of the current chaos you are mired in.
It's not supposed to be easy. We all have our moments but relish it before it passes you by without taking the time to appreciate it.
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I’m proud of you for being honest about how you feel. Parenting is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do and you are entirely justified in whatever you’re feeling. Having kids is a cage, but so being in your 50’s and realizing you spent your life focusing on a career and yourself and while your peers are finding meaning and joy welcoming grandchildren into their lives you are becoming increasingly irrelevant to a professional world where you are very replaceable. Find some support. Talk to a counselor or even better find a church.
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That’s what my father-in-law said. He shared about how having children makes him feel less lonely in his old age. Thanks for reminding me of the reason why I decided to become a father in the first place
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Plus it won't be the government taking care of u later.
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A bit earlier in my parenting journey but I can start to imagine how you feel.
Was it always this hard to be a parent, historically? Are we low-testosterone government-suckled adult children who are allergic to setting boundaries and defaulting to letting our wives set the entire frame for the family, together with our kids? Things I ask myself sometimes. 😁
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I feel for you. Given you have a 4 year old and a near 1 year old, trust me, you are right in the hardest part right now. It gets much easier - nappies, buggies disappear, kids start fending for themselves and expressing themselves more and more. A good parenting adage - this too will pass.. They also get less cute, so don’t wish it away!
As they get a bit older, try and find some good reliable babysitters and make sure you have quality time out with your wife too, talking about something other than kids!!
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We also had very little support. On the one hand, I needed solitude, on the other hand I needed real company. My friends were almost all single and still having fun, being very fit and the worst part, many of them criticizing how I stopped doing the things I love and stay in good health.
I am a high performer in my field, and I always told my wife I felt like those incredibly smart animals, like orangutans in the zoo trapped inside a small cage.
My kids are now 2y/o and 6y/o. Things are still tiring some days, but nothing compared to when the little one was smaller. We just had that breakthrough a-ha moment when things feel easier. I am borderline exhausted 70% of the days, but I also have a great time most of the days. My older one makes me laugh often doing silly things or saying stupid jokes. YMMV but they will eventually give you your loved time.
I deeply thanks my friends who had two kids and listened to me every time I needed it. No judgement or bullshit tips. When kids are sick we don't need any tricks. We need a helping hand or a hearing ear.
If anything, remembering the Stoic philosophy ("the obstacle is the way") and reminding me that I used to whine about just anything before kids kept me sane. Thanks to my kids I am much tougher than I would have ever been. Many people choose not to have kids because life will be easier, but they are missing on the opportunity of becoming super-human. I have now literally not eaten anything for 24 hours, walked more than 10 hours straight with a child on a 100 F day in my arms, and felt like nothing was going on. Who else can do that?
Hang in there.
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Lol your experiences made me chuckle. I’m not sure I ever have to be superhuman as yet, but I sure enjoy your delightful take on things.
I needed the “Hang in there” so much. For some reason, it went straight to my heart. Thanks for responding
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saw you posted it on your top list of tips as the last one. I'm happy it helps. SN has no DM's but feel free to reach out by tagging me or posting on my profile whenever the going gets tough.
BTW just as I wrote that, all our family got extremely sick, to the extent of having to visit the ER and the doctor multiple times. And I just wondered how I said "everything is fine" and then that happened. But luckily it's "just a nasty virus", nothing worse. My throat has never hurt this much in my entire life.
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I used to get really pissed off whenever my kids got sick. These days, not so much because I grudgingly realised that illnesses are part n parcel of their growing up years boo hoo
Glad you added another superhuman tale to your collection!
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Not completely in the same situation as you, but I do have 2 kids under 2. My solution was waking up an hour to an hour and a half before anyone else did and getting a good workout in.
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Biden?! How's it going?
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Oh you know just trying to accelerate us into a bitcoin standard jack
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We are lucky to have my wife's parents for support. I would never leave my kids with anyone else though. It's rough sometimes bc they constantly need entertainment and we dont give them screen time so its all on us haha.
Our kids seem to become less annoying when they turn 2. That takes longer than it seems possible. Our last 2 spent the first 2 years in our bed. None ever would take a soother or a bottle. Our youngest would not even use chew toys for teething. Just screaming. Right now she is getting 5 teeth at once.
But watching them learn and implement the ideas, values and critical thinking that u teach them is amazing. You have the chance to pass on so much, to help form the next generation.
Of course none of that means u won't get burnt out, or that its wrong or anything I think good parents prob get more burnt out. I hope u find peace in the gift of fatherhood.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
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“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Never heard this one, it's genious
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Also, push learning to read. If they love books, one day they will want to read non stop. Then u get time, it's cheaper than devices, and way less chance of them being unnoticeably influenced by internet creeps or normies.
If u go for a counselor, find one that will hold u accountable and not just blame everyone/thing else. Also stear clear of any that might just try to convince u to become a tranny.
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Thank you for your suggestion! I shamefully confess that I sometimes let my boy use my phone because omg I just wanna do my own thing. But your point about pushing reading to reap future dividends gave me the strength to focus on reading. I’m literally carrying a book with me while on my way to pick him up from the childcare centre
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curious about your experience @Darthcoin 👀
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for me was simple: I raised a daughter pretty early and once she was 18, I show her the door and I said: "there is your future, go and discover the world".
Now I am free to build my dream citadel.
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but how about those times before 18?
tough, why did I do this, or what a nice change to relearn about life
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fun but also harsh. Yes, I spent a lot of time with my daughter because I like it. My wife always envy me about that. We've played video games (a lot of WoW), did hundreds of mountain hiking (just us, walking days and days), driving around with car and making fun of everything. But also I teach her things about life, especially how to be free and do not depend on anybody, including me. I tried also to teach her how to not trust anybody, especially the government, but unfortunately she was quite brainwashed by the schools and also her mother with the excessive protection behavior created an opposite effect. So I gave up. I cannot force freedom into somebody, free will must come from your inside.
I just told her: there's is the door, go and see now that I was right all along. But yeah, when she was young, was really fun. Now she's an adult, Is not my responsibility anymore.
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but unfortunately she was quite brainwashed by the schools and also her mother with the excessive protection behavior created an opposite effect. So I gave up.
how's that possible being around someone with such strong force and got brainwashed?... but then I'm also the opposite of my parent, quite interesting - so what's the art of parenting? 🧐
"there's is the door, go and see now that I was right all along."
I wish my parent say this to me, but now I'm standing on my feet, they still think I'm a kid.
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I could use the mind trick force or choking, but that would have a total opposite effect on her. With a kid you must leave them to decide for themselves at young age. If they will choose wrong, they will remember later. If not, then they will became NPCs... but that is not my responsibility anymore.
One thing is clear: you cannot force anybody to be free. Freedom must come from your inside.
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Well said. Kids are individuals. Sounds obvious, but as parents we subconsciously think they are mini versions of us. That's our own ego. They will be who they are. Just do your best to provide love and support.
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Just do your best to provide love and support.
THIS. all the rest leave it to flow
Thanks for sharing. Not something I expected to read on SN, but I'm glad you vented.
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I also have 2 kids. It's a big change & I do miss my old life. But instead of dwelling on the past, it's better to just go with it in the present.
Hope you don't give up, & yes please talk to the councilor.
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Thanks for sharing, buddy. What do you do when your heart starts pining for your old life?
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I guess I tell myself that I can get back into it when the kids are a bit older.
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56 sats \ 2 replies \ @Fabs 23 Jan
And suddenly, my life doesn't seem that shitty anymore.
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Happy to give you perspective haha
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28 sats \ 0 replies \ @Fabs 24 Jan
See? Every negative has a positive 🤫🌞
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Totally understandable. It’s very tiring to be a good father.
One thing that I help me is I realised that the only thing we can control is my own feeling. It’s very tempting to think “I will be so much happier if I have more free time “ but that’s usually not true.
Imo the whole point of life is being a good person and do good hard work and parenting is one of it. I learnt to appreciate it
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What you said is true. I know I would feel a void if I were childless and have more free time.
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Man.. i feel you, im a late dad in my early 40s, Oldest have now 4 and youngest 1year old.. Both expats witth no direct support of family because of distance, It affected me in so may ways.. And yes, its hard.. I like to think it will pass and im pretty sure we will miss it one day.. But yes, hard af meanwhile.. Stay strong buddy
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Thanks for sharing your experience! It makes me feel less alone. Which country are you based in now? Conducive enough for child rearing?
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20 sats \ 1 reply \ @fm 7 Nov 2023
we are living in Spain. for 16 years now.. It could be better.. But could also be lot worse. Cant complain. Barcelona is a cool place. I had to leave the city and move outside the city for a quitter living though
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I like how you appear to take the good and the bad in your stride. Thanks for being open about your experience again
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I feel for you. My wife and I are lucky that my parents are still quite helpful despite being pretty old. When they're unavailable for a few weeks in a row, things definitely start getting more difficult.
If you feel like you need more help, it might be worth talking to your wife about it, even if it's going to be a difficult conversation.
Is there anyway you can get help from other parents? Maybe your 4 year old can have more play dates.
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I try to schedule play dates but my kids have this annoying habit of falling sick. I know, it is how they build their immune system but it is very frustrating haha
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I can definitely relate to that. Is this your last year before kindergarten starts?
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Yes, he is starting his first year of kindergarten next year. Hope he becomes stronger haha
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Thanks for sharing. It seems like you don't need to talk to the counselor but you do need to talk to yourself and be honest about everything that is really bothering you and divide it into pieces and see where you can start. A 4-year-old son is a gift for sure, perhaps find a way to have more in common with him than just a playground? Two-man project? (well, one and a half exactly but you know what I mean). You can nicely split this into boys and girls club :-) Smaller, easier to manage. I don't know, take him to see a sunrise from the mountaintop on Saturday morning, teach him about wild animals on Sunday and take a walk in the woods with no toxic air around, teach him how to fish, fishing takes patience and kids have very little of it maybe try to integrate a life lesson into it, catching the first fish is rewarding. You will bond better with the little one so he will not be a "burden" or just another responsibility. Not everyone has a support system and even when someone does, ultimately everything depends on you. You do need a space for yourself to find your inner peace, your heart is in a good place and you will do fine. It seems you just need a little organizing which is not as easy as it seems. Baby steps, start small but you have to be honest with yourself and understand what's really bugging you. It all starts with YOU, not the therapist. One smart man once said "...You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, And get pats on the back as you pass, But your final reward will be heartaches and tears If you've cheated the guy in the glass..." Dale Wimbrow
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Going on adventures with the little guy will make me enjoy his company more. Thanks for the quote!
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Are you located in Korea by any chance as an esl teacher? I can give you some country specific tips then...
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I’m Singaporean! But pls share your country-specific tips, for I lived in Japan for two years n am generally curious about the world
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